A tree without solid roots can neither nourish itself nor withstand a storm. There are central values and universal laws supporting orientation and direction in the coaching process. These values & roots are part of my coaching. They have an implication on how I access specific topics. The information given allows you to check if you feel comfortable with these values. Apart from all you will read here, be assured: I´m not a devotee of dogmatism! These values are merely guidelines for orientation. It´s humanity that goes first, because – beside all smart concepts, ideas and ideals we´re all just people: Vulnerable, imperfect and born to live a human life.
If you are wondering how these values & roots became part of my being & working, you may read more here:
Client-centered psychotherapy emerged from humanistic psychology. Carl Rogers (1902-1987) was a crucial person who represented a basic attitude, which also became fundamental for me:
Rogers assumed that every human embodies an innate tendency towards self-actualization and strive for completion . Humans want to become whole and evolve. It is further assumed that everyone carries within oneself everything that is necessary for healing, analysis and problem solving in the very own sphere. According to Rogers, problems are an expression of an experienced incongruence in the person who´s seeking advice. In Roger’s opinion, it is important to create a supportive climate: To reduce incongruence and foster personal growth for a person seeking help.
According to Rogers, three basic attitudes help to create this climate:
1. unconditional positive appreciation: the need for unconditional positive appreciation is part of human nature. What is expressed and experienced is accepted without reservation. Encouragement and expression of solidarity.
2. Empathy: Empathy and understanding for the perspective and problems of the person seeking help and generating an empathy that can be experienced by the person seeking help.
3. Congruence (authenticity, truthfulness): The relationship between counselor and help-seeker takes place at eye level, while the counselor is open to his or her own experience and expresses this appropriately and authentically.
Meaning in the coaching process: I generally feel these three basic attitudes within me and enter a coaching process with the corresponding heart- and mindset. Everything is focused on your self actualization and – there are no taboos. Everything may be felt, experienced and expressed. Even if you judge something inside yourself as “bad” or even “evil” – the unconditional positive appreciation for you as a person remains unaffected.
In general, my attitude is one of appreciation. Every person has a value. Especially in the area of toxic relationships, blatant polarizations and devaluations have been becoming more common. From my personal experience I can realet to the anger and sadness behind that very well. At the same time it doesn´t help anyone to answer black and white with black and white (see Scale of Consciousness).
Regardless of which Buddhist school we look at, there are three commonalities I find to be true and helpful in the coaching process: The principles of compassion and the sources of suffering – attachment and rejection.
Suffering occurs, as we do not want to have a circumstance, an emotion or a state – that is, when we feel aversion. Likewise, we suffer when we want something too much or can´t let go of something / someone. What we hold on to can be something positive as well as something negative: Thoughts, longings or desires.
The principle of compassion adresses our true being which can only be fully experienced in connectedness. As we establish compassion this contributes to the wellbeing of all sentient beings – ourselves included.
Meditation is the way to access more freedom from (painful) identifications. Those who practice to detach from thoughts, feelings and impulses thereby acquire the ability to deal with all that´s surfacing. We become freer, more aware, and more able to address even those issues that we may have avoided in the past.
In meditation arising phenomenons are not suppressed, but accepted. The only active decision is, on what to focus. In this way, our mind learns to detach itself from emerging phenomenons.
Meaning in the coaching process: The ability to detach from thoughts, beliefs and ideas reduces stress of overflowing emotions and increases flexibility and relaxation due to changes. A window opens for new possibilities and perspectives. Softening identifications from previous images of the self and the world can be liberating and relieving. Compassion is an enormous challenge for all of us. Especially in the area of toxic relationships, many emotional veils are active, clouding our vision and prevent us from being compassionate (with ourselves). It is much more important to accept and learn guiding those accept you are currently experiencing. Rogers (see above) can help us here: Everything may be felt, lived and expressed. And be careful: Compassion does not mean liking or agreeing! A lack of compassion often results from behaviors that hurt us so bad. It´s an authentic response. Anger can work as a walking aid into a new form of genuine compassion: One that includes self-compassion.
The book Initiation by Elisabeth Haich has touched me deeply and resonates very much with my inner truth. The wonderful story contains teachings of the ancient Egyptian high priest Ptahhotep. He teaches how mastering of the twelve twin traits can look like. That´s also significant for the coaching process. According to Ptahhotep, the twin traits originate from one and the same primordial source. They belong together. Thereby, one twin is always visible (revealed) and the other invisible (unrevealed). But both are present at the same time. Pathhotep paraphrases the mastering of these twin qualities as their respective use at the right time and place. Following the twelve twin traits (based on the initiation, freely designed by me):
Tobe silent may be necessary and helpful if a secret has to be kept or preserved harm can be prevented. But being silent can be harmful, If, for example, a word could save a person from harm. Alike talking at the right time can be immensely important, while elsewhere it can degenerate into chatter and thus be harmful.
If we open ourselves to receive the good, the blessed, the true and the beautiful (the Divine), Receptivity is helpful. Receptivity becomes fatal when unconsciously everything is received without discrimination and thereby turns to willingless influenceability. Uninfluenceability can be beneficial when thereby one steadfastly can resist lower influences and effects. Uninfluenceability is harmful when we also resist beneficial and higher vibrational forces and thus isolate ourselves from them.
Obeying is beneficial as we follow & listen to divine impulses and our own innermost conviction. Obeying out of cowardice, fear, material gain or because we “want to be good” is harmful. Ruling can be beneficial if it is based on universal love and intentions of common good, while respecting people’s right of self-determination. Unkind, selfish Ruling to impose one’s own will on others is harmful tyranny.
Humility is beneficial when it applies to the Divine and – everything that originates from it. Humility for the divine core that dwells in all creations – including ourselves. Humility is fatal when bending one´s knee on material or evil forces, because in this way one’s own divine core is violated. Self-confidence is beneficial if it is based on trust in one’s own divine core for the benefit of all, but harmful if one’s own illusory personality becomes the center and arrogance is demonstrated.
Being fast as light is beneficial when it enables instantaneous decisions without hesitation in conscious presence of mind to seize irretrievable opportunities. Being as fast as light is harmful if it leads to haste without presence of mind, consideration and concentration. Prudence is beneficial when patience and the control of temperament result in a helpful decision that serves everyone. Prudence becomes harmful when it prevents a decision by infinite guessing and thus leads to indecision.
To be able to accept everything is beneficial when external circumstances, criticism or praises don´t affect the experience of one’s own, divine value and consciousness. An all-embracing acceptance can become harmful if necessary defense against humiliations or contradicting idealizations are missing and thus leads to a characterlessness or apathy. To be able to
distinguish is beneficial if it helps to separate the beautiful, true, good, divine from the ugly, false, bad, non-divine.
Caution is beneficial and necessary to protect oneself and others from harm and senseless sacrifices. Caution turns harmful when cowardice grows out of fear and lack of self-confidence. Courage is blessed when it motivates you to fight with the sword of truth against the shadows of error – for divine peace, to change disunity into unity and generates peace instead of fighting (we´re so misled here!). This requires courage. Courage becomes harmful when it leads to senseless arguments in a blindfolded fight or if you recklessly try god.
Everything material is meant to be used for the divine work and task. Just as a water channel does not care how much water flows through it, the beneficial attitude of awareness of non-possession should always be maintained. Be ready to pass on, what you´ve received from God. This attitude becomes harmful when it degenerates into not caring about anything at all and contempt for matter. To have everything is beneficial, if in the appreciative consciousness of matter as revelation of God flows into the art to procure as much material as necessar to use, hold and summarize it. Having everything thus becomes liberation from subjection to earthly powers. This quality becomes harmful when it leads to selfish possessiveness.
Being bound to nothing is beneficial if it serves to follow the (own) divine call and the ability to let go of people, circumstances – while being aware that a beloved person is an instrument of revelation of God. This non-attachment becomes harmful when it turns into general unkindness towards fellow human beings. Allegiance is beneficial when it is applied to the divine within people and establishes a covenant to a higher goal blessed by God. Allegiance to a teacher, master or co-worker is to be allegiant with God inside of them. Allegiance becomes harmful when it turns to personal worship, a cult of personality.
Showing oneself is beneficial if the public thereby becomes aware of the God-given gifts, talents, abilities and Love given to all of us. If the public can be touched and encouraged by showing oneself and it leads to welfare and benefit of all people. It will be harmful if it awakens the devil of vanity and leads to self-indulgence and boasting. To remain unnoticed is beneficial if it contributes to the ability of being one of many and to disappear in the mass. Remain unsee turns to be harmful if it fosters personal self-underestimation or even -destruction.
Death defiance is beneficial when facing danger the confidence in immortality of the divine self errects an unshakable courage through trust in God. This is harmful when it degenerates into contempt for life. Appreciation of life
is beneficial if it prevents us from exposing ourselves and others to senseless danger and allows us to feel joy. It is harmful when the appreciation of life degenerates into sensuality as self-purpose.
This is the hardest trait to master and it´s only possible after mastering the other ones. These two twins always reveal themselves together – naturally and involuntarily. Loving everything without distinction is the divine, all-encompassing love. It requires the abandonment of personal preferences, inclinations and feelings. A love in divine indifference is like the sun that radiates on everything that is: beautiful, ugly, true, false, good and evil. As a reflection of the ineffable Divine, this love loves everything – because it encompasses the understanding that one would not be there without the other. God’s love is the completely indifferent love. This love demands that we help and work for the benefit of every soul. The cruelty of this all-encompassing love lies in respecting the free will of a (close) person even when he/she chooses an ungodly path of suffering and torment for him-/herself and does not respond to any offers. Just as God does not interfere in people’s affairs and respects our free will – we must not force, push or interfere ourselves with anyones very personal decisions. Indifference is part of love. In this love there is no longer any personal inclination. But this divine cruel love must never turn into unkindness, otherwise it becomes harmful.
Ptahhotep’s teachings on the twin traits suggest that a trait, a behavior is never absolutely right or wrong. Rather, it is a matter of choosing them at the right time and in the right place . This circumstance reliefs the coaching process of self-blame dominations. A behavior, a characteristic is not wrong in general. It may have just been used in an unhelpful way. The twin characteristics point out: We live in a relative world, where the same behavior can be helpful at one time and harmful at another. This mastering of relativity is significant in the coaching process. A conscious choice can be made out of free will of one’s own higher self (which is not separate from God). This gives orientation. Creating clear decisions accompanied by a positive energy lead to a more free and self-determined life.
Hermetic philosophy or doctrine goes back to Hermes Trismegistos, who is understood as a symbiosis of the ancient Egyptian god Toth (god of wisdom) and the Greek god Hermes (messenger of the gods). The hermetic laws are said to have been recorded on emerald tablets that are lost to this day. These laws were first published in the Kybalion in 1908.
Seven universal laws have been formulated. These can be found in almost all religious orientations. Since the hermetic laws are universal, they work both in the external universe and the internal. They are incredibly valuable for the mirror process and the inner work of the coaching. They are assisting every person who is searching for oneself, concrete solutions and the veryown truth. They can help us to gain orientation. Following you´ll find the laws and what they may mean for the process.
SIGNIFICANCE FOR THE PROCESS
1. The principle of the mind
The source of life is Creator Spirit, that rules over matter. All creation is mental in origin.
Your spiritual activities, attitudes have ancreative effect. What we think, causes reality. Goal: Awareness for Creativity and Self-Responsibility.
2. The principle of cause and effect
Everything causal generates something and all effects have a cause. Every action (even mental) generates energy that returns to the sender with the same intensity.
Nothing in our life appears without a preceding cause. And nothing we do is without effect. What we send out, radiate, returns to us. Goal: Awareness of cause-effect relationships.
3. The principle of correspondence
As above, so below. As below, so above. As inside, so outside. As on the outside, so on the inside. Everything that exists in the world has a counterpart on every level of existence.
What is, that is and – it finds its expression and reflects on other levels. External changes always require the involvement of the inner level. Goal: Start with yourself and design your own life more conscious.
4. The principle of resonance, vibration or attraction
Things attract same things and are reinforced by same things. Unequal things repel each other. It is therefore important that we look at what we carry within ourselves and choose more and more consciously.
We are no victims of circumstances. What appears in our lives has been attracted by something within ourselves. We can use that as a mirror and ask: What and why are we attracting in what ways? Goal: Self-awareness and recognition of inner messages .
5. The principle of polarity
Everything consists of two opposites whose common nature is identical. Hard and soft, large and small, hot and cold. Pairs of opposites merely describe poles on a common scale. Hot and cold are two expressions on the temperature scale. Opinions and views never reflect “absolute truths” – everything is relative (related) and needs the opposite to exist (how can you experience cold if warmth does not exist?).
Resistance towards something is often based on rejection of this principle. We are allowed to wish and prefer something, of course, but we may also understand that the opposite is a building block of the whole. Learning to accept polarities is a challenge for us humans. But we can evolve into acceptance by finding peace with the principle of polarity. Goal: Reduce energy loss through resistance (to feelings, thoughts, impulses).
6. The principle of rhythm and vibration
Everything vibrates, is in motion, has its rhythms and tides. There is no standstill. A movement in one direction, entails a backswing in the other direction. Like a pendulum. Rise and fall, in and out. Life vibrates and makes rigid things break.
There is nothing that we can hold on to. This is what we humans have the most difficulty with. We look for steadyness in the solid, the reliable. Can we open up ourselves steadyness in flexibility? Can we embrace the dance of rhythmic changes? Can we let go of resistance and surrender to the tides? Goal: More resilience through flexibility.
7. The principle of gender
Everything consists of a pair of opposites (5.), the opposites arise from the origin – they are one. Everything has male and female characteristics, is gendered. Gender strives towards unity. Where masculine and feminine aspects are combined, creation comes into being.
Masculine and feminine aspects are present in each one of us and part of life. Yin and Yang. Both energies are needed – inside and outside. In balance. Pacifying our inner relationship between masculine and feminine energy creates necessary healing and co-creation. Inwardly and outwardly. Individually and collectively. Goal: Inner harmony, acceptance of (seemingly) contradictions.
Important: The hermetic laws should not be misused as a dogma to suppress or replace authentic experience. Everything should and may be felt, thought and expressed. They merely give us orientation in the coaching process and can help to understand situations in a larger context thus providing insight into where one may ask oneself wrong questions.
This scale by David Hawkins shows how reality, one’s own existence is experienced on individual levels (= consciousness). In addition, the levels indicate the current degree of loving kindness. Again: the scale is not meant to be a contest or dogma, but rather as a tool for determining where one’s consciousness is currently residing (“Where am I located?”), for setting goals (“To which level do I want to turn to?”) in order to stimulate helpful changes ( “How do I get to where I want to be?”). Sometimes it is enough to take a deep breath and change the level by just deciding to do so. In other cases – e.g. when we have issues on a lower level (e.g. on the level 150 – anger) – it is a matter of consciously directing, understanding and analyzing our experiences on that specific level.
According to Hawkins, the level 200 marks the threshold to integrity. From there, we move upwards into the realm of life-affirming frequencies. If we keep on returning to a level below 200 that may indicate an individual issue waiting at that level.
Don´t get this wrong: It’s not about being positive all the time. That would not be authentic. Rather, the scale helps to acknowledge what is, carefully examine and integrate emerging topics to enable oneself to leave the lower levels again by means of conscious self-regulation.
Highest earthly attainable value of consciousness
Level 1000: Highest earthly attainable level of consciousness
Level 700 – 1000
ENLIGHTENMENT, pure consciousness, indescribable
PEACE, Bliss, Transillumination
Level 700 – 1000: ENLIGHTENMENT, pure consciousness, indescribable
Level 600: PEACE, Bliss, Transillumination
Around level 600
Threshold to silence and peace
Dissolution of personal ego/karma – non-duality
Beginning to take responsibility for the collective karma
Around level 600: Threshold to Silence and Peace
Dissolution of the personal ego/karma – non-duality
Beginning to take responsibility for the collective karma
JOY, unconditional love, forgiveness
LOVE, adoration, beauty, gratitude, revelation
Level 540: JOY, unconditional love, forgiveness
Level 500: LOVE, Worship, Beauty, Gratitude, Revelation
Around level 500
Threshold to love
Non-linearity – Awareness – As-well-as model of thinking
Around level 500: Love Threshold
Non-linearity – awareness – As-well-as model of thinking
UNDERSTANDING, abstraction, science
ACCEPTANCE, Enthusiasm, Productivity, Forgiveness, Worldly Success
READINESS, Optimism, Intention
NEUTRALITY, confidence, letting go
COURAGE, civil courage, affirmation, sincerity
Level 400: UNDERSTANDING, Understanding, Abstraction, Science
Level 350: ACCEPTANCE, enthusiasm, productivity, forgiveness, worldly success
Level 310: WILLINGNESS, optimism, intention
Level 250: NEUTRALITY, Confidence, Letting go
Level 200: COURAGE, moral courage, affirmation, sincerity
Around level 200
Threshold of integrity
Homo sapiens vs. Homo spiritus
Self-regulating individuation – personal responsibility
Linearity – Perception – Either-or Thought Model
Around level 200: Integrity threshold
Homo sapiens vs. Homo spiritus
Self-regulating individuation – personal responsibility
Linearity – Perception – Either-or Thought Model
PRIDE, contempt, bravado
Anger, rage, hatred, aggression
Desire, lust, self-enslavement
ANXIETY, Anxiety, Withdrawal
TRAURE, failure, grief, despair
APATHY, hopelessness, resignation
GUILT, malice, destruction
SHAME, disgrace, humiliation, eradication
Level 175: PRIDE, contempt, boastfulness
Level 150: ANGER, anger, hatred, aggression
Level 125: DESIRE, Desire, Self-slavery
Level 100: ANXIETY, Anxiousness, Withdrawal
Level 75: TRUST, failure, grief, despair
Level 50: APATHY, hopelessness, resignation
Level 30: GUILTY, malice, destruction
Level 20: SHAME, shame, humiliation, eradication
Duality – Error – Deficiency Consciousness – Reactive Clan Consciousness – Crime
Level 0: Physical death
Duality – Error – Lack Consciousness – Reactive Clan Consciousness – Crime
Example: Let’s say a close person is at level 175 (pride, contempt, showing off) and makes a derogatory comment. In the realm of toxic relationships, this is often experienced. From which level do we want to respond to this? Are we angry or anxious and foster that, we´re acting out from a life-denying level. However, if we use our anger and channel this energy into a conscious decision to move to the level of courage and moral courage (level 200), we can set boundaries and leave the situation. Success for an action from a life-affirming level. The Theory says (experience confirms) that life-affirming actions generate an outcome that is helpful to us.
Especially in the area of toxic relationships, many people unfortunately fall into feelings of guilt (level 30) or shame (level 20) and get stuck there. Unfortunately, a lot of well-intentioned help from the counseling community in the field of toxic relationships comes from a life-denying level (expressing anger, expressing contempt, nurturing fear). A conscious leap to the level of courage and neutrality would be life-affirming.
As the example shows, it´s not about denying or avoiding “negative feelings”, but to consciously use them as a vehicle to jump to another level. The exemplary application of the scale of consciousness as a tool for immunization against psychic manipulation has also been outlined in a video (german) and in my book Exit Gaslighting (german).
Psychology offers a wide range of knowledge nuggets. During my studies and education I acquired many things, integrated important, true and helpful elements. Particularly significant for the field of toxic relationships: The model of collusion according to Jürg Willi. You can find detailed articles about this in my blog. Addressing development trauma, relational trauma bonding, and polyvagal theory is essential to building clear, loving, and healthy responsibility in the field of narcissism/co-narcissism/co-dependency.
In general, I was impressed and shaped by the work, techniques, and views of Steven C. Hayes (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), Carl Rogers (see above), Jeffrey Young (Scheme Therapy), Paul Watzlawick (Palo Alto Group, Constructivism), Klaus Grawe (Common Psychotherapy), and Gabor Maté.
Diving, feeling and thinking deep has always been given to me. Without showing up, I can say, that I was able to discover and detect connections that remained hidden to others. The surface may be important, but if everythings ok in depth, the surface will calm down on its own.
From numerous scuba dives I know: There´s so much undiscovered life in the deep (blue)! Even though shoals can be intimidating, the exploration is worthwhile in any case. This applies also to our soul life. Accordingly there is so much inside ourselves, we don´t even have an idea about, areas we have not yet tapped into.
Like the ocean, we are subject to the forces of nature – our inner tides. Knowledge and understanding of these inner laws can be a true navigational aid through the storms of life. If we fathom and dive through the deep layers of our inner ocean, we may suddenly understand the true triggers of movements on the surface.
Concepts are sometimes helpful. They can lead to a better understanding of certain fragments of our inner universe. Be it the polyvagal theory, the concept of narcissism/co-narcissism or co-dependency. All these ideas and concepts have a function: they are tools in the process of realization. Unfortunately, we humans tend to over-identify with such ideas. It may be better to let concepts go before they cause harm instead of doing good. The following article adresses this issue in detail:
Terms and concepts are summarizing imventions, that assist us in understanding fragments and processes. We should try to understand them relatively, not absolutely. In a coaching process, I choose the vastness and encounter you with the assumption, that I know nothing. Except that fragment that we look at together. Experience shows that many reasons for specific encounters or behavior are far more complex than we might think. The true reasons in all their variety mostly defy exact determination by the mind. There is so much more than we can imagine. The coaching process is characterized by a broad horizon. Thus we avoid to squeeze our space to narrow definitions. We might let them go in order to allow the truth to become tangible.
Every person is embedded in a larger network and connected to other people. Within this network, the energy and intention with which we relate has an effect. The coaching process is dedicated exclusively to you. Here everything may be, said, thought and felt. Transfering results into your everyday life, the coaching directs towards the well-being of all. This means: I adhere to the principle of non-harming. I will not recommend anything that might harm other people, disregard their dignity or has its offspring in an intention of revenge (especially coaching in toxic relationships). If we would do that, this would open or continue a negative karmic process. But that also means: You may be well also! You are allowed to avoid harm for yoursefl and to live your life as you wish to do and setting healthy and clear borders to enable that. A clear no often requires the energy of anger. But: The intention behind it is not harm for others, but the need to live your life in freedom the way it wants to be lived.
The coaching process grows around your individual being . Focus: Your consciousness, self-determination and responsibility. Responsibility means: You learn to find answers within yourself (mindsight) to the question you might have: What you do or don’t do, when, why and how (e.g. “Why didn’t I open my mouth, although I see it differently?”- “Because I was afraid of provoking an argument.”). After you can redesign you behavior in way by what makes sense to you (“It would make sense to face my fear and say something anyways, because it’s important to me.”). This means: First you´re answering your question (“I want to say something about this because it is important to me!”) and after you decide, how and when you will demonstrate a behavior that suits your answer (e.g. “Even though I’m scared, I’m going to speak up now and say what I think!”). If you really do so, that means, you´re taking personal responsibilty for your answers and actions. You clearly feel the connection between the reason (why) and your response (what)? That´s also self-efficacy! It marks the beginning of conscious self-determination unfolding from your own truth. This is the realm in which you relate yourself authentically from your true core as a human being with others. This is not about ruthlessness. Mindfulness and honesty can go together. But before you “take responsibility for other people” (do things or refrain because they consider that to be right or wrong), you may first clarify whether your behavior leads to an appropriate, authentic result for you.
Shame is one of the most prominent feelings I have sensed in people during the coaching sessions. Unlike shame, guilt is often related to an external event. It´s more easy, because we something can be done: Ask for forgiveness, make amendments, etc. With shame, however, we can do nothing externally. Shame refers to one’s own being, one’s own essence. You are ashamed of what or who you are. This is devastating (see scale of consciousness). Everyone is the way he or she is. Just this being has a value that wants to be appreciated and accepted. We rarely chose our being consciously. All the wounds, hurdles and imprints that have been experienced want to be accepted and seen. Regarding this, we act very careless with ourselves and others in everyday life. Therefore, it is indispensable for me in the coaching process to respect the dignity of each person. In appreciation, self-appreciation and self-respect can grow and – shame is starting to melt. This is what we need more of on earth.
Aside from the fact that there is a lot of nonsense residing in me, humor can be so incredibly healing. The world and events can sometimes challenge us. To take life and oneself lighter occasionally, inspires inner processes and loosens hardened blockages. We can take ourselves serious and – at the same time – decide to laugh at ourselves once in a while. Laughing at yourself can be very relieving! Of course, always in respect of dignity. So expect a dash of humor in the coaching process as well.
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